Breaking News!...
As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take immediate action.
Which is why TheOnion.com is now a designated Pandemic Shelter in the event that Covid-19 spreads through the internet.
The editorial board of The Onion has issued an emergency order to mobilize our vast resources to transform our digital platform into a space where you and your loved ones can obtain guaranteed safety. This website is a 100% Covid-19-free zone. Our global security team has sprayed our servers with industrial-grade chloroquine, and top U.S. health officials have already discovered credible evidence that clicking each and every link you see on our homepage can effectively strengthen your immune system. In an effort to create an airtight quarantine, readers who were already visiting our website at the time this order was issued have been instructed to remain browsing our considerable archive of stimulating and award-winning content at penalty of a fine and/or imprisonment.
Furthermore, we find it imperative to disclose that TheOnion.com is the only site on the world-wide web to receive the official Onion Seal of Covid Sanctuary.
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