Path To Spiritual Growth...

October 13, 2021

Each one of us, says David Viafora, can be a kalyana mitra, or “spiritual friend.” Here’s how.

“Borderline personality disorder,” 2018. Drawing by Moonassi.

One day, Ananda and the Buddha were sitting alone on a hill together, overlooking the plains of the Ganges. Having served as the Buddha’s attendant for many years, Ananda often shared his reflections and insights with him. This afternoon, Ananda spoke. “Dear Respected Teacher,” Ananda said. “It seems to me that half of the spiritual life is good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship.” I imagine that Ananda said this with some level of confidence for praising the merits of spiritual friendship. But the Buddha quickly corrected him: “Not so, Ananda! Not so, Ananda!” Ouch! Probably Ananda wasn’t expecting such a stern rebuke. But the Buddha was offering a powerful teaching. He continued, “This is the entire spiritual life, Ananda, that is, good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship. When a monk has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, it is to be expected that he will develop and cultivate the noble eightfold path.”

A kalyana mitra is not just any pal you hang out with. A virtuous friend is someone who uplifts your path to a higher level of ethical and spiritual well-being.

Some of early Buddhism’s most powerful teachings resulted from when someone, often Ananda, stuck their neck out only to be corrected or admonished by the Buddha. In this case, the Buddha skillfully removed Ananda’s idea that the sangha and the dharma are separate. One is not half of the other; the sangha is not merely helpful in realizing the path. The sangha is the path. Spiritual friendship is the path.

The practice of sangha-building may be considered one long story of spiritual friendship. Strong communities depend on the personal relationships between its members, like a quilt that is woven together of various threads and seams. By strengthening each individual friendship, we strengthen the entire fabric. For anyone who wants to build a happy and thriving sangha, the key is growing beloved friendships.

Kalyana Mitra

In Sanskirt, kalyana mitra means “spiritual friend.” Kalyana may be translated as “good, true, virtuous, upright, or beneficial,” and mitra is the root word for maitri, which means kindness. A kalyana mitra is not just any pal you hang out with to hit the clubs or go bar-hopping. A kalyana mitra is someone who helps you realize your deeper aspirations, one who uplifts your path to a higher level of ethical and spiritual well-being. In comparison, the word “friendship” stems from the Old English freon, meaning “to love,” and freo, meaning “free.” So at its roots, friendship means to “love freely.” Thus both words point a selfless kindness toward others.

Many people, presented with so many teachings praising the practice of meditation and solitude, think Buddhism is a practice for loners. But the Buddha’s encouragements to practice in solitude were balanced with an ardent emphasis on cultivating worthy friendships. Throughout his teaching career, the Buddha spoke again and again about the pivotal importance of kalyana mitras in order to succeed in one’s practice, stating that there is no other factor so conducive to the arising of the noble eightfold path as good friendship. “Just as the dawn is the forerunner of the sunrise, so good friendship is the forerunner for the arising of the noble eightfold path,” the Buddha stated. The “Discourse on Happiness,” which extols thirty-two blessings of a happy life, begins with “To avoid foolish persons and to live in the company of wise people…, this is the greatest happiness.”

There is no factor in our environment so influential to our lives as our closest friends. The Buddha’s emphasis on the profound impact of friendship is similarly captured by Joseph Rubano’s poem, “Friend by Friend”:

SOURCE: Buddhadharma